It was a tussle of titanic.
Who am I?
What am I doing?
I haven’t grown and not allowing to grow.
The visible growth was the casualty.
The invisible growth was what others could not see, though I pretended to see it. But there wasn’t any.
A decade has passed by. It is pretty long a time in the journey of man’s life. Many things have gone by. Many people around me have grown. They have grown and they are flaunting their growth. But one thing was deep within, the thought that I have not grown and by then it had deeply entrenched and it was in no mood to move or go away. It had reached the inflexion point. One had to go.
But who is that one?
The fight was between being wise and being otherwise.
What is the definition of growth?
Which is the yardstick to measure?
It was surreptitiously building up. I didn’t have enough tenacity to fight beyond a point. It was well orchestrated conflict. It was the waiting game we both were playing. One was waiting for the other to blink. But it was not the case to happen. The game had extended it’s time limit. I knew it was just a matter of time. Before I could further reflect and realize on the end game. The time arrived. It was a juggernaut. It was a conundrum. I had to take a call. It was not out of choice but very much out of compulsion. I was under tremendous pressure.
I wanted to break free.
The yearning for freedom was at its desperation best. I could smell the scent of freedom with the sudden surge of breeze that kissed me. It was heavenly. It put me in a fix. I didn’t know how to react. Was it nostalgia or was it serendipity. It hit me swiftly and I was swept in a whiff of wind.
I said it was now enough.
But the response was muted. I presumed the statement was not loud enough. I yelled I screamed and I blasted out; it was almost blast from the past. The present was shaken. I knew the future won’t be safe. It was time to leave behind the past and move forward in life. To move forward, we both cannot further co-exist.
One of us has to go, either U go or I go.
I cannot grow unless you go…it was the “ego” deep within that was badly dragging me back. Though I was madly bragging that I had grown, but it was a false pride I was living with. It was the ego which was anchoring the false pride. Since, I didn’t have the courage; I could never let it go. Yes, it was just not courage. It was much more than courage. It was the test of my character. The character to confront the false and embrace the truth was missing. It’s never easy to face the truth. The truth is that I had ceased to grow. I have become wise but not grown otherwise. Truth indeed is bitter. I am almost there where I was a decade back. I was doing my best. I was working and working hard. But it hardly had an impact in my personal growth.
Growth had stifled.
I didn’t acknowledge. I didn’t accept. Not further. I could no more evade the reality. The reality that wisdom really matters but wealth cannot simply be whisked away. The reality was staring in front. I couldn’t face. I wanted to go. I just couldn’t escape. My wealth has not grown. I was under the illusion of the growth of wisdom. I had become wiser but definitely not miser. I didn’t have the money to be a spendthrift. And whatever I had, I spent it wisely. I was constantly contesting my wisdom, that I am not wrong. I am right.
“I am a writer.”
Though it has grown on me but I had never grown visibly, it was perceptible that this growth is eccentric. Something was fundamentally wrong within. I was not letting go my ego. I was holding back my phony image. The image of being a writer…a writer who is perceived to be a man of wisdom, a man of intellectual thoughts and a man of erudite personality. But no wealth, the wealth of physical possession, it cannot be just the wisdom. An engineered hallow around me as a writer was self-proclaimed verdict for ego messaging.
I was not letting it go.
It was my ego.
My growth had halted. I was not letting go, my ego.
I decided either you go or I go.
Both can no more stay together.
I also wanted to grow otherwise just not be wise.
I am a writer but I also wanted to make money.
Money is not a bad idea, I convinced myself.
I let my ego go.
I was liberated.
It was time to celebrate.
The joy of freeing within is indeed immeasurable.
Though it is within but it is visible.
It was the joy of being a writer and bliss of growth.
I am a writer and I am growing…